Practice Self-Care without Guilt
ARE YOU OVER DOING IT and NEGLECTING SELF-CARE STRATEGIES?
My online therapy practice focuses on supporting women who are struggling to balance self-care and responsibilities. The women I work with are usually working full-time and caring for others simultaneously. They may be shuttling kids or grandkids to sports or school, attending social events, and caring for aging parents. Being a chauffeur and scheduling medical appointments becomes a part-time job. At the same time, they are covering household duties from errands to meal planning to scrubbing showers. As if that isn’t enough, I often find they are doing more than their fair share with these duties. There is often someone in their life who is contributing minimally but taking excessively. This could be a romantic partner, spouse, adult child, or business partner. You can see from this list that if a woman is doing ALL those duties and caregiving tasks, little to no time will be left for practicing self-care habits. When a self-care routine is suggested, many women reject the idea feeling like they cannot set boundaries for any one of these people or cut out any of these tasks. Even worse, the thought of pulling back on duties results in major feelings of guilt.
WHAT IS GUILT?
Guilt as a feeling could be described as uncomfortable, uneasy, or even stomach turning. This emotion follows a situation or a thought whereby an individual feels she has taken or is thinking about taking a “wrong” action. Some people take guilt further into shame, which is when what actions you take meld with your view of yourself. Put another way, shame is the conclusion that you are a bad person if you take a wrong action. This is when people struggle to differentiate between the actions they take and their character as a person. The real question here is who has decided that the action is “wrong?” As an adult you probably judge for yourself that something you have done or are considering doing is wrong or would be unkind. But who taught you this judgment of your actions?
WHERE DOES THE GUILT COME FROM?
Given we are born knowing nothing of the world, everything we know or do has to come from those who were born before us, raising and influencing us. Likely in childhood we were taught by parents, teachers, religious leaders, our community, and society what behaviors are acceptable or unacceptable. When we take actions consistent with unacceptable behaviors, most humans feel a sense of guilt. In certain scenarios when patients I work with share that they feel a sense of guilt over having taken an action that is generally considered inappropriate, I reply, “Good. At least we know you are not a sociopath!” This is my cheeky way of noting guilt is not always a bad reaction. It is our personal monitoring system that helps us avoid behaviors that could be problematic like stealing or lying. This monitoring system is generally absent in those who are sociopathic or psychopathic, so just know some guilt is a good thing. It means you are following certain mores of society whether by law or some set of philosophical or religious beliefs.
The concern is when the feeling of guilt is excessive and does not match a behavior. For instance, if you turn down an invitation to dinner with a friend because you are tired and feel guilty for doing so, the guilt-ridden reaction is excessive given the scenario. You are feeling guilty although you have not broken any law, social more, or spiritual/religious tenet. In this case, a reaction of guilt is a problem because it is leading you to feel badly about your choice or yourself even though there is no reason to. These situations are even more problematic when guilt morphs to shame, although this blog will focus solely on guilt.
Likely if you experience excessive guilt, you were taught at some point in your past that you “must” do for others to an extreme or else you are thoughtless, selfish, or ungiving. Perhaps you believe you must do for others otherwise they will be angry or resentful towards you. Maybe you think they are going to judge you negatively if you say no to protect your emotional well-being.
You may have a tendency to give excessively to others and neglect taking care of yourself because this behavior was modeled for you by a primary care giver. Consider a scenario where you consistently go above and beyond for your child. This could be saying yes to every play date, sleepover, or birthday party a child is invited to or saying yes to scouts, softball, music lessons, and dance lessons —failing to set boundaries. Maybe you want your child to have every toy and gadget and see every movie in the theater with all the popcorn, soda, and candy you can buy. This could extend to scenarios where you feel you must say yes to every volunteer request, every dinner with the ladies, and every request from your aging mother. In other words, you are failing to set limits or healthy boundaries. You are failing to protect your energy. Minimizing the importance of self-care can lead to burn out. Why would you make these self-harming choices? One reason why you put others ahead of yourself is to avoid feeling guilt or having others upset with you. The thought of saying no leads you to feel guilty.
GUILT INDUCING THOUGHTS
Do you experience thoughts like these:
“If I say no, who will do it for them?”
“I just feel so badly for them.”
“I don’t want them to miss out on opportunities like I did as a kid.”
“If I say no now, I’m just going to have to do it later.”
In the psychological theory called Cognitive Theory, the belief is that our thoughts influence our emotional and behavioral responses. So, if you are thinking thoughts like the ones above, odds are good you will feel guilty afterwards. The theory also proposes that our beliefs and values drive our thoughts. Putting it all together, you may hold a belief that you need to be the perfect mother and give your kids everything you did not have. This belief will drive thoughts like, “I would hate for junior to miss out on the chance to go on the class ski trip.” Even though you are tired and would be majorly inconvenienced to get junior to and from the trip, you get junior to the trip anyway because your thought of junior missing out leads to feelings of guilt. Guilt feels uncomfortable, so you would rather be exhausted and inconvenienced. Additional guilt-ridden thoughts might follow like “I don’t want junior to feel left out,” “I don’t want junior to think I’m hurting his school experience,” and “I’ll pay whatever the cost to avoid feeling so awful.”
We can see from this example how beliefs we adopted in the past or even in adulthood drive thoughts and then our emotional and behavioral responses. This is why we must be careful with our thoughts and beliefs and choose them wisely. The process of uncovering unhelpful thoughts and choosing more balanced, helpful thoughts can be learned (shameless plug for therapy!). Awareness of our thoughts is the first step in this process. Only then can we shift our thinking to something more balanced and reasonable.
A FRESH PERSPECTIVE
Getting away from guilt inducing thoughts takes some work but is a worthwhile endeavor. The next time you find yourself feeling guilty in a situation, reflect on what you were thinking just prior to the guilty feeling. Consider the thoughts and really ask yourself if they are in balance. This can be hard to do solo. It may take bouncing ideas off those you’re closest to or a therapist to determine if your thoughts are skewed. Reframing your thoughts to be more balanced has advantages like reducing your feelings of guilt and beginning to see prioritizing self-care has advantages. I find the over-doers fail to see just how much they are giving away and that it is possible to care for others AND nurture yourself.
Imagine thinking:
“It’s okay if I pass on this lunch with my bestie because I really do not have the time right now. Given she’s my good friend, she’ll understand. I could really use that time to meet my deadline so that I’m not up late and can get proper rest before my presentation.”
“It’s okay if I limit junior to one extra-curricular activity each season. Running around to so many events drains me and junior, making us both more crabby. It would do us good to slow down and be able to be fully present in one activity to enjoy it to its fullest.”
Imagine being able to think thoughts like these and really believe it is okay to say no and practice self-compassion. These thoughts illustrate how to use boundaries and limit setting as stress management techniques so that you can practice mental health self-care. It is possible to practice guilt-free self-care. You can do less without believing you are the world’s worst partner, parent, friend, or worker.
TAKING ACTIONS—FINDING THE TIME
When I work with women who are over-doers, and we review their schedules, we often find their schedules are completely packed and self-care practices are limited. This scenario can lead to some women concluding that there is just not any time for self-care, even if they can let go of guilt. Usually the easiest place to begin is by finding 15 minutes somewhere in your schedule to begin a simple behavior change. This is one of my best self-care tips. Can you find 15 minutes per day to take time for yourself? I hope the answer is yes! Where can you find this time? Convenient places to find this time for self-care are often upon awakening (maybe when young kids and/or partners are still sleeping), during a lunch break, after work but before coming home, or before bed. If you still feel like you cannot find even a 15 minute block of time during the week, try finding it on the weekend or your days off from work to start. Begin where it may be easiest to implement.
SELF-CARE WITHOUT EXCUSES
What do you do with this magical time block? This is 100% up to you! This is where you get to be creative. Start by considering what you have done in the past that you found relaxing or enjoyable. Do you like to read, run, or a journal? Maybe a nice hot shower or bath would be a glorious way to spend those 15 minutes. Perhaps you would like to try something new like mindfulness practices. This could be as simple as practicing deep breathing while you stretch, pray or meditate. Maybe you would like to try something new and listen to a visualization exercise on YouTube. This time block could be a great opportunity to sneak in a quick, brisk walk. This is your opportunity to use this block of time in the most enjoyable and effective way you can.
LIVING A LIFE IN BALANCE
Once you begin this process, I think you will come to really enjoy it. You will start to experience the benefit of setting boundaries and taking care of yourself. The 15-minute time span will grow because you will likely see that you enjoy that carve out for yourself and want more like 30 minutes or eventually an afternoon! Imagine that!
As you expand the time frame naturally where you can, your energy and mood will improve and this in turn will be a positive influence on the people around you. Many women think if they take time out for themselves it will take away from their loved ones. The paradox is you will show up for your loved ones in a much better emotional space after you dedicate time to your own self-care. So, engage in relaxation activities, start a mindfulness practice, get involved in a hobby, start moving with some physical exercise, or just rest! You and your loved ones will be glad you did!
finding support through online therapy
Just know if you try implementing some of these strategies and are still struggling, it may be time for additional support. Online therapy is a private and convenient way to get the support you need through your stressful times in life. AROSE eTherapy® offers telehealth in Colorado, Florida, Maryland, and Pennsylvania. A free 15 minute consult is available to you if you would like to talk and see if these services are right for you.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Alicia Rozycki, PhD
Dr. Rozycki is a licensed psychologist and the founder of AROSE eTherapy®, an online therapy practice serving high achieving professional women and military affiliates including active duty, veterans, spouses, and government employees. Virtual sessions are available in Colorado, Florida, Maryland, and Pennsylvania. Learn more about Dr. Rozycki.
